A dozen things to teach your children before they're 12
Netmums respondents blame internet porn and celebrity culture for this premature loss of pliability, but I say be pragmatic. Rather than cast around for someone to blame, see how many seminal parenting moments you can squeeze in before they're 12. You want them to remember you, don't you? You don't want them to look back on the noughties and teens as just one long game of Angry Birds Star Wars.
1. Make them stand in the street while you talk to your friend for 45 minutes
Children won't suffer this at all after they have an independent spirit. I've seen four-year-olds who are basically ready to tell you where to stick it. But almost the best preparation I have had for adult life was that exquisite boredom of listening to my mother have a conversation that was loud for the boring bits and then inaudible for the bits with content.
2. Teach them how to make a complicated pastry
Adults would never dedicate themselves to this skill, when you can buy a nice cake in a shop. But sometimes I think it is as impressive as a language. Especially flaky or choux.
3. Instil a long-term political goal, such as the overthrow of the royal family or private property
This way, you will have created a sleeper cell. You will never know when it'll spring. Exciting!
. Explain why Alan Sugar is a dick
They come back from school saying: "You're fired." You put up with it for a while, and then you say: "You can't fire me, you don't pay me," and they ignore you. Then you say: "I'm your mother, it's basically a non-transferrable position," and they ignore you. And then you say: "I'm not fired, you're fired," and they ignore you. Until you finally say: "I forbid you to say that any more." And they say: "Why?" and now you have to explain, leaving no room for confusion or misremembering, that Alan Sugar is a dick.
5. Instil better manners than 'please', 'thank you' and 'excuse me'
That alone is such a hassle that you think your work is done, but there is so much ancillary stuff that, should they stop listening to you before you transmit it, will make them horribly unpopular. Look up when people enter the room. Go to the door when someone leaves. Stand by the door, pretending to look sad, never shouting "hooray" ... it's honestly endless. This will take you from today until they are 12 even if they have only just been born.
6. Explain why Thomas the Tank Engine is sexist
Although a lot of the in-your-face sexism has been removed, so this is quite a subtle task.
7. Make them eat an aubergine
Raw! For a laugh. Pretend that's how everybody does it.
Equip them with a working familiarity with every single song by Dexys Midnight Runners
It's good to realise that not all songs by a band are going to be that exciting, and some bands are only going to be exciting once or twice in their lives, and you should stick with them anyway, as you would a dog that you have had for many years and now has warts.
9. Make them watch the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
On the understanding that you're not going to get time to show them all six series at an age-appropriate time before they are 12, this is ur-Buffy.
10. Explain that the moon gives off no light of its own, it just reflects the sun
Because it's really embarrassing if you reach adulthood not knowing this, and everybody discovers that you don't know it in some public place.
11. Take them to Woburn Safari Park
Before they're six, ideally. Otherwise you'll be the schmuck going: "Look! The monkey, the monkey, it's on our CAR. It's doing a poo!" while they press their heads against the window and make the international "I wish she was dead" face.
12. Teach them how to use an iPad
Only joking!
Source: The Guardian
