Cannes 2014: The worst films of the festival in pictures

Catherine Deneuve looks unimpressed about appearing in this epic about a "humble Greek pirate" who gets rich flogging fish eggs. Nice to see John Cleese still sticking with the Basil Fawlty moustache, though. Despite that title and suggestive chainsaw silhouette, this is a lumberjack comedy aimed at kids. Director Shinobu Yaguchi has form with the unintentional innuendo: previous films include Swing Girls and My Secret Cache. "Based on the true story!" screams the poster. You know, the one about the commercial jet trapped within a ring of erupting volcanos. It was all over the news. Perhaps you were away that week. At first glance, it's just a thirsty Jack Russell with cataracts. But peer closely and you see that, actually, Archie is one of those comedy movie concepts that in real life would have you running for the hills. Sam Waterston's stinkface suggests the modest plea of the title has not been realised. Either his date is a nightmare, or the boiler has not rectified itself, or that rash has come back. Something is terribly wrong, that's for sure. Read more here