Football transfer rumors: Manchester City to swoop for Celta Vigo's Nolito?

LONDON. KAZINFORM - It transpires that Pep Guardiola is not above the crudity of the transfer market after all, and rather than be spooked by his resemblance to Chris Partlow, he is unimpressed with Wilfried Bony's ability as a striker. As such, he would like to replace him with Celta Vigo's Nolito; the move is understood to be part of a commercial deal with New York City FC, and will be followed by moves for Danny Rose Hill and Chris Sutton Place, The Guardian reports.

Guardiola is also keen to add a goalkeeper to his squad, as though Joe Hart and Willy Caballero aren't enough. What a perfectionist! So he is interested in bringingVictor Valdés back to Manchester from Standard Liège under-14 reserves, where he was sent by Louis van Gaal for his effrontery in not being Louis van Gaal.

Meanwhile, down the East Lancs Road, Evertonians plan to offer Romelu Lukakuan absolute romelulukaku of a contract in a bid to keep him at Goodison Park. The player, though, has already made clear his desire to leave, and it appears that both Chelsea and Juventus are desperate to pay tens of millions of pounds to secure the dodgy first touch and generally cumbersome ways that are so essential for any elite striker. The club will attempt to keep a straight face while demanding a fee of £65m, every last penny of which will be added to the stratospheric transfer kitty with which lifelong fan Farhad Moshiri has already furnished the People's Club.

The first beneficiary of this incredible altruism may well be Kevin Strootman. Though permission has yet to be sought from Louis van Gaal who has asserted his moral ownership of the player, it is thought that an offer of £30m would persuade Roma to sell. Or, put another way, £2,142,857.14 for each appearance made since March 2014.

Elsewhere, it seems that John Whittingdale is not the only man in London seeking to dismantle the BBC. Antonio Conte wants to take Leonardo Bonucci to Chelsea from Juventus - but will have to pay in the region of £50m so to do. Bonucci is 29.

And Chelsea are also keen to add André Gomes to their squad - say Sky Sources, Cumulonimbus and Cirrostratus. But, as of yesterday, Valencia rejected their offer of a meagre £32m, and are holding out for "approximately £42m".

Pedro, meanwhile, would like to leave Chelsea. He has spoken to Josep Maria Bartomeu, the Barcelona president, and "all the people who love me there" about returning to the Camp Nou. "It's complicated but I've always said I would like to retire at Barca," he surmised, which seems like a long way to go just to make an announcement. Perhaps there is a vacancy in the canteen or some such.

Meanwhile, still reeling from not signing Pedro last summer, Manchester United have been told that Henrikh Mkhitaryan will not be allowed to leave Borussia Dortmund until next summer. They plan to spend the next few months refusing to accept this development, before rebuying Marouane Fellaini in the final hour of the transfer window.