Football transfer rumours: Chelsea to sign PSG's Marquinhos?

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ASTANA. KAZINFORM - To suggest that David Luiz looks like Sideshow Bob is nothing new. But the Rumour Mill would like to go out on a limb and suggest that there's a touch of the Sideshow Mel - Bob's clowning replacement - about the Brazilian defender's compatriot and PSG team-mate, Marquinhos (albeit without the funky hair and bone), Kazinform refers to the Guardian.com.

As such it should come as no surprise, that much like a more dapper Krusty the Clown, José Mourinho wants to bring in his own Sideshow Mel to replace serial (title-bid) killer Sideshow Bob. It may have taken a year, but the links to PSG's £40m defender keep on growing, and while Manchester United may harbour an interest Chelsea are ready to swoop. Unless of course this is just the usual pre-match tittle tattle, designed to upset one of your opponent's key players. Surely not?

If United are beaten to the PSG defender then they will turn to one of Mourinho's old flames, Raphaël Varane. Louis van Gaal thinks the Real Madrid centre-back is the man to sure up his porous defence, and the Frenchman would set the club back the suspiciously precise figure of £39.4m. Of course, Chelsea are on the case too, viewing Varane as another option to replace John Terry's ageing limbs.

And the Blues aren't done there. After pictures emerged of real life Simpsons star Lionel Messi enjoying a spot of dinner with old Barcelona pal Cesc Fàbregas, some took the opportunity to put two and two together and get £100m record transfer deal. With far-fetched gossip like that how are the readers to believe anything? Won't somebody think of the children?

PSG, anxious not to be left out of such scuttle-butt, are lining up an £8.5m move for César Azpilicueta. The Mill thinks the Parisians could have tried a bit harder if they were attempting to unsettle the Stamford Bridge defence ahead of Wednesday's Champions League showdown.

In Liverpool, a slimmed-down Mayor Joe Quimby has sent his minions over to Italy to bring back a bit of Brazilian talent. Reports on the continent say that Anfield scout Paul Goldrick was in Rome to watch Felipe Anderson, an attacking midfielder with seven goals and eight assists in 23 matches this season for Lazio. Of course, Brendan Rodgers won't have it all his own way, with Manchesters City and United, and Chelsea, all weighing up a £20m bid. If Anderson slips through Liverpool's fingers they'll return to Rome for Roma's Miralem Pjanic.

Manchester City may have more pressing matters to attend to though, with tittle-tattle emerging that their captain Vincent Kompany was involved in a furious bust-up with Fernandinho at half-time in their defeat to Liverpool. The squabble was apparently so bad that Manuel Pellegrini felt the need to drop Kompany for their next game, a comfortable win against Leicester. Rumours that the row was caused by an unreturned Simpsons Season Six box set could not be corroborated by the Mill at time of going to press.

Meanwhile, Arsène Wenger, disappointed by Santi Cazorla's new shorn locks, is giving Milan's very own spiky-haired play-maker the eye, with Stephan El Shaarawy reportedly of interest to the collector of nimble-of-feet attacking midfielders.

El Shaarawy is out with a broken metatarsal, but injury has never stopped Wenger in the past, so expect an Arsenal bid imminently. "My goal is to get back as soon as possible. The interest of Arsenal surely gratifies me but my goal is to return to Milan and do well at Milan," said the Italian attacker, presumably not followed by a rendition of the 90s classic Do the Bartman.

And if that doesn't work Wenger will instead turn toAleksandar Dragovic. Forget that Dynamo Kyiv's Austrian plays in an entirely different position - at centre-back - North London's Principal Skinner needs a player with spiky vertiginous Bart-like hair to act out his Springfield role-play, and Dragovic has proved in the past that he could fit the bill.

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