Football transfer rumours: Gareth Bale to Chelsea or Manchester United?
If you are not wholly satisfied with this product, the Mill will personally come over to your house and give you a big hug to say sorry. Oh! Who is the Mill kidding? The Mill does not care about you. Not this early in the morning. Not when it could be in bed dreaming about modern art installations in Japan or opening a bar in New York with Nick Valensi and James Beattie. All it cares about it banging out some totally whacky transfer rumours that have as much chance of being true as the boogeyman. So come on. Let's be having you. If you thought Chelsea's days of splashing the cash are over, then you were wrong. And if you thought Gareth Bale's day of playing his home games in London are over, then you were wrong. Have you put two and two together yet dear reader? Don't worry, take your time. It's a tricky one. There yet? Ah here. Let the Mill enlighten you because we haven't got all day. Apparently, scoring important goals and playing well, despite having to adapt to a totally new league, a totally new environment and the pressure of the heaviest thing seen around a neck since Slick Rick got in the chain game,Real Madrid want shot of Gareth Bale. Nothing to do with him taking away the shine from someone else. Nothing at all. Get that thought out of your mind right now because it just ain't true. Well. No, no, it's not. Anyway, sick of him they are and ready to cash in they are. This is where Chelsea come into the equation. Rich homie Roman is more than happy to pony up the dough to take Bale back to what he knows. With all the Ts crossed and Is dotted, Bale will pack his bags with the chorizo he likes from Mercadona, a taste for a siestas and Raphaël Varane, who can no longer take the insult of not getting into the team ahead of Sergio Ramos and Pepe. The two will cost a cool £150m, £149m of which will be for the Welshman. Of course, that will only come to pass if Chelsea are not beaten to the Bale boat byManchester United. Unlike the boys in blue, the Red Devils have something that Real Madrid want. Sorry, what was that? No, no, it's not Michael Carrick. He comes in the shape of David de Gea. For some time now, the knob on Real's goalkeeper situation has been set to "rubbish", with late-stage Iker Casillas proving to be about as effective as a wet hanky in halting a tsunami. (OK, that's being a bit generous but the Mill has a soft spot for old Iker and will be sad to see him sent to the farm, or the North American Soccer thingamabob, or whatever that soccerball league is called these days). Of course, Louis van Gaal would be as mad as a box of frogs to say goodbye to De Gea, his only decent player, but he wants Bale so bad, that is what he is prepared to do. As for De Gea, apparently he would find it "impossible to resist" a move back to Madrid. You see the way the Mill used the word back there? That's because De Gea was born and raised playing for Real's crosstown rivals, Atlético. So it's just natural that he should find such a move "impossible to resist". Wait, hold on a moment, the Mill is just looking for that sarcasm button. Elsewhere. Chelsea will sign some 19-year-old from Brazil called Kenedy that loves playing the type of entertaining, fleet-footed, skill-blessed brand of football that is just so beautiful it makes you want to cry big blobs of tears of joyful tears and will turn him into Vinnie Jones. Or Oscar. But again, only if they get there ahead ofManchester United. "Half of Europe is following him," propoganded his Mr 15%, who probably just has the kid's best interests at heart. Manchester City are big fans of Dawson's Creek. Not the city in northeastern British Columbia. That's Dawson Creek, silly. No, the TV programme featuring James Van Der Beek, Katie Holmes and superfluous conversations about love, ("How can you be friends with someone when every time you see them you think about how much more you really want?") and the future ("The entire time I've known you, all you've wanted to do is escape. From me, from Capeside. I mean, you say that I'm the dreamer. I'm the one who doesn't wanna live in the real world. Well, I'm doing it, Joey. Right now. I'm living in the real world. It's you who wants the fantasy"). OK. Enough of that. Get to the point. Like Dawson and Joey and Pacey, City have been doing a lot of thinking lately and they have come to the conclusion that Edin Dzeko is pants and they want him gone, baby, gone. Anywhere will do. Arsenal seems like a good bet. Finally, Stoke have broken out the felt-tip pens and a spare piece of A4 paper and written the words "hands off" on it. Nobody had a clue what it meant until they wroteAsmir Begovic at the end. There was a collective "ah" from the gathered crowd as then it made sense. The £12m Stoke goal blocker is wanted by both Tottenham and Internazionale but Stoke are going to block their goal by offering Begovic a shiny new contract any day now. "We will be working hard to convince Asmir to sign a new contract before the end of this season," warbled some suit. OK. Back to bed time. That's your lot for now but one more thing before you go. If you're out there James and Nick, the Mill is open to taking that dream into reality. Just holler.
