Football transfer rumours: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to Arsenal?

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LONDON. KAZINFORM Arsenal are after Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang of Borussia Dortmund. Aubameyang is tired of having to dumb down his hair due to the low tunnel in Westfalenstadion and wants out. But the Germans are having none of it. "We are not interested in selling Aubameyang," sassed one of their suits, which, when translated to real talk, means ‘give us £40m and we'll throw in a couple of bottles of Hela Delikat Curry Gewürz Ketchup for good luck'.

Somewhere in Manchester, Louis van Gaal is slumped in his chair. The look on his face should show you how he feels. It's not anger - the anger evaporated in a mixture of foul oaths and smashed picture frames and one thrown M&S Count on Us Chicken with mayo-free dressing sandwich that is now sliding down the wall - it's more grief or better yet, heartbreak; the heartbreak of a kid who didn't quite get what they really, really wanted for their birthday. To the right of the chair is a money-green leather sofa and beside that is a rotary phone with a receiver suffering from a cracked spine. It was through that receiver that Bastian Schweinsteiger said he would rather listen to a bunch of twenty somethings waffle on about their trip Glastonbury and how effin' great it is there with its vibes and music and all that feculence than play for Manchester United. So heartbroken Louis is, but hearts can only stay broken for so long in this business. In a few minutes, that phone will ring again, but this time it will be Morgan Schneiderlin on the line. He'll tell Louis about how it has always been his dream to play for a club the size of Manchester United and how he grew up watching them on TV when his parents allowed him to stay up late and that should he want his services, they are available. Louis will smile and say yes, but it is only a half-hearted smile and a half-hearted yes. Bastian was the one he really wanted. Moments after that, the phone will ring once more. It will be Nicolás Gaitán's Mr/Mrs 10%. He wants in too. Over in Liverpool, everyone from Brendan Rodgers to the tea lady in the canteen to the groundsman is crossing their fingers that Manchester City still want Raheem Sterling and are willing to pay about £200m for him. Otherwise, how are they going to afford the £18m they told Barcelona they would pay for Pedro and the £67m they said they would give Napoli for Gonzalo Higuaín? Speaking of Manchester City. SIGN PAUL POGBA ALREADY. The Mill can take any more of this back and forth and will-he, won't-he jazz. Just pony up the dough and get it done. It's not like you can't afford to, is it? Come here, remember the time two years ago now - or was it three? - when Tottenham paid £17m for Paulinho and we all laughed till the tears that we spilled were enough to irrigate a substantial part of South Australia? And we said, there is no way he is worth that amount. Not now, not ever. Well apparently,Guangzhou Evergrande didn't get the message because they are about to sign a cheque for that very same amount - !!! - for that very same player!!! Let's just add in a few more exclamation marks to emphasise how ridiculous a move that is. !!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway. Should Guangzhou a) fail to convince Paulinho of the merits of plying his trade in south-eastern China or b) wake up and smell the coffee, Watford or Fenerbahce will be there to pick up the pieces. Talking of laughs.Sunderland want to sign Sebastián Coates in a bid to strengthen their defence. Good one, eh? Source: Guardian.co.uk

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