Football transfer rumours: Reece Oxford to Manchester City?

ASTANA. KAZINFORM - Manuel Pellegrini is furious. He is slamming doors. He is snapping at strangers. And if that cat comes looking for milk one more time, he is going to swiftly find out just how painful it is to be on the receiving end of Pellegrini's best impression of Bryan Cullen bisecting the posts at Croke Park. And it's all down to that damn riddle. They were all down the pub the other night when, in between sips of creamy Guinness, that snotty-nosed young fella adjusted his glasses and said: "Come here to me. I've a puzzle for ya. There are two doors, one t' heaven and one t' hell. Standing outside the doors are two identical guards, one on each door. Now, your man in front of heaven always tells the truth but the other lad, your man in front of hell, is a fibber of the highest order. You have one question to find out which door is heaven, presumin', o' course, you want to go to heaven and oh, assume no prior knowledge on their part. What do you ask?"

After a minute or two of hard chin rubbing and the puffin' of cheeks, everyone, except Pellegrini, said they got it but wouldn't tell him the answer. He was sure it was a joke on him and he was sure that it came about in that What's App group that he is sure they have that he is not so sure why he is not a part of. But his anger is interrupted by the clang of the phone. He answers it gruffly. It's Reece Oxford returning his call. "Tell you what," says Pellegrini, "if you can answer this riddle, you can play for me at Manchester City." Oxford has heard the question before but doesn't want to seem too smart so he lets out a few ums and a few ahs before answering. Pellegrini slaps his forehead. It was so obvious. "You'll do well here, son" he says.

There is no one else at home and Arsène Wenger has his favourite Electric Booty Mob record turned up. (It had been him playing that trick call on Louis van Gaal that day back in July.) He stands in the centre of the sitting room, puts his hands on his hips and begins to step his right foot in and out to the beat of the music, before he adds a swift twirl and a kick of the legs à la Jacko. When the chorus has kicked in, he bends right over - hands still on his hips - and he shakes his rump like a washing machine on a particularly vigorous spin cycle. With that done and the song back in verse territory, he likes to practice his toprock work, poppin', lockin' and plenty of Lindy hoppin'. He's been a fan of the style since he was flicking through the channels one night when the other half was out for dinner with her ballet friends and he came across Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sometimes he even gets out a piece of cardboard and he tries the windmill but his back is not quite up to the job. Anyway, today he is dancing with renewed gusto as a result of the text he just received. It seems the 18-year old Anderlecht midfielder Youri Tielemans would be open to a move to Arsenal. Wenger reads the text one more time, smiles, presses repeat on the CD player and tells his ass to get ready for that chorus.

Some days Tim Sherwood reads Post Secret, some days he doesn't. Sometimes it makes him cry with laughter - "my ex would leave toenails clippings on the nightstand. I cooked them in his mac and cheese" - sometimes, it makes him want to just find some of the people, give them the biggest, cuddliest bear hug he can and whisper to them that it will all be OK. Sometimes, he wonders if he knows people who have written in. He was sure it was whatshisname who wrote, "when I was young I thought lasagna was made from elephant ears". Then sometimes, he wonders if he should write in with his secret. But would people be interested? Would people want to know that he has been spending his evenings on the phone, twisting the cord around his fingers, playing nice, trying to convince Emmanuel Adebayor that Aston Villa is the best club for him and that Adebayor agrees that once his head is back in the game, he will sign on the dotted line. Does anyone want to know that?

Given that Sunday was the 19th anniversary of Tupac'a death, Steve McClaren spent the day listening to his music. He was going to go for All Eyez On Me - an album, on the whole, he likes but feels it would been stronger as a single CD - but something made him plump for the earlier stuff. He turned it up loud while doing the dusting and kept it so when chopping the vegetables for dinner and rearranging his books chronologically. Afterwards, he was silent. He had this idea in his head and he was trying to work it out. Then ... Bingo! That was the point of the poem and the interview on To Pimp a Butterfly. To reclaim the image of Tupac from mindless, money obsessed thug to a revolutionary, a visionist, with Tupac, like Bloom (Leopold, not Harold), representing Everyman. It wasn't the only decent idea he had on Sunday. He also decided that Charlie Austin andMichael Keane would be good buys for Newcastle United. "Three good thoughts in one day," he said to himself later that night with a glass of Japanese whiskey while watching An Inspector Calls, "you're a genius Steve."

And finally, dear reader, a question for you. Which do you think is more likely? David Cameron revealing that he is a die-hard Jeremy Corbyn fan who sleeps in a matching pillow and duvet set emblazoned with Corbyn in full Che Guevara pose and the words, fight for freedom? Or Thomas Müller moving to Manchester United for €120 million (£88m). Yeah, the Mill went for Cameron, too. For more information go to The Guardian.com.