Football transfer rumours: where is José Mourinho off to this summer?
Up for discussion will be how great José is, why Florentino is a boob, why José wants a solid gold statue of himself constructed of himself outside the Bernabéu, why Iker Casillas should be sold to Stoke, why Florentino has prepared a £10m severance package for José to bugger off in the summer and why José thinks a Mr Phil Brown would be the perfect man to replace him at Real Madrid. Yes, readers, it's the ever-fascinating story about where Mourinho's future lies next season. Prediction: at a big football club where he'll be given lots of money to spend and where they'll allow him to cultivate that paunch he's been growing over the last two years, initially as a ploy to unsettle Pep Guardiola and Barcelona and now as a ploy to unsettle the entire human race.
What's he up to? What's his angle? What's he plotting? Well it says here that Mourinho's already got an agreement in place with an Unnamed Club, which might come as news to Chelsea, Manchester City and Manchester United. The Mill hopes it's West Ham. Oh, The Mill really hopes it's West Ham. Roman Abramovich has spent the last few months standing outside Mourinho's house throwing stones at his window in the middle of the night, but if that doesn't work then Guus Hiddink says he wouldn't mind a return to Chelsea. The Anzhi Makhachkala manager, who won the FA Cup with Chelsea in 2009, wouldn't be the worst alternative even if he doesn't have a fun beard like Rafael Benítez.
If Hiddink does pitch up at Stamford Bridge this summer - bye Rafa, be sure to write! - then he might find Bafétimbi Gomis already there. The Mill's not entirely sure whether the Lyon striker is the answer, although Chelsea's policy when it comes to strikers now appears to be Anyone But Fernando Torres. Poor Torres. Chelsea will have to fight off Liverpool if they want Gomis, though, and Brendan Rodgers is also weighing up a move for Paris Saint-Germain's Kévin Gameiro, Kazinform has learnt from the Guardian.
Gameiro might not be the only striker on his way out of PSG this summer, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic a target for Bundesliga bottlers Bayern Munich. Bayern's next manager is Pep Guardiola and Ibrahimovic sure is a big fan of him. Just to recap, when the pair were together at Barcelona, the striker accused his manager of having "no balls" and of being scared of Mourinho. "I didn't have a relationship with the coach," Ibrahimovic added in his book. Missed you!
If Ibrahimovic does leave, PSG will throw £35m at Manchester United for Wayne Rooney, who will be replaced by Borussia Dortmund's Robert Lewandowski. Cool. That's that one sorted then. They're also planning to give City £15m for Samir Nasri, assuming they can find him. The Mill's not necessarily saying that Nasri is the greatest hide-and-seek champion of all time, but when City played Dortmund earlier this season, it took The Mill 70 minutes to realise the midfielder had been playing and that was only because Roberto Mancini was substituting him. Perhaps, instead of using him as a footballer, PSG could use Nasri as the star of a series of children's books called "Where's Samir?"
Also on their way out at City: Carlos Tévez, Gareth Barry, Edin Dzeko, Maicon, Joleon Lescott, Roque Santa Cruz, John Guidetti and Scott Sinclair, paving the way for a move for Napoli's Edinson Cavani, unless Juventus get there first.
Reading's players don't want Paolo Di Canio to be their next manager. They'd probably quite like Brian McDermott to be their next manager.
Norwich and Everton are both casting a beady eye over the Sporting Lisbon right-back Cédric Soares, while Swansea will revive their efforts to sign the Real Betis midfielder José Cañas on a free transfer this summer. Pah, when has signing obscure Spanish players from La Liga on the cheap worked out for them anyway?
