Football transfer rumours: Wolfsburg's Kevin De Bruyne to Manchester City?

ASTANA. KAZINFORM - We need to talk about Kevin De Bruyne. He is sick of currywurst. The fried sausage and curry-pasted ketchup are just too heavy on his stomach. He is also sick of the AutoMuseum Volkswagen. He has been there so many times with family and friends that he knows every nook and cranny of the 5,000-square-metre exhibition space - every small scratch on the 130 vehicles on show and every bad joke that the tour guide makes ("... unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please!" ). He is even sick of the Phaeno Science Center, something he swore he would never let happen upon swapping London for Wolfsburg. But happen it has and De Bruyne wants a change. Lucky for him, the form of his feet this season means every club and its mother is lining up around the corner to talk to his Mr 15%. The latest to do so is Manchester City, Kazinform refers to the Guardian.com.

Apparently some suit from City has met a man, who knows a man, who once met a woman from the diving club in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, who knew a second cousin of a different woman who once was in the same stadium as De Bruyne and his Mr 15% and she says that City have a chance of beating Paris Saint-Germain and Bayern Munich to his signature. That signature that will cost them a cool £40m. Or more if Mr 15% is to believed. "Clubs who are ready to bid €30m for Kevin have no sense of reality," he honked. "A player like Kevin has a market value of some €50m, €55m or even €60m by now," he added, surely just thinking about what is best for his client and not in any way worrying about how much moolah he is going to make from the deal.

Bayern Munich will be very upset at not winning the race to sign De Bruyne but they will get over it soon enough by signing whatever player Borussia Dortmund have developed for them. As for Paris Saint-Germain, they plan to get over it by driving a truck load of money to Manchester, dumping it at the door of Old Trafford and and asking very politely if it is enough to buy Ángel Di María. It won't be the £59.7m that United spunked on the formerly-decent footballer but it will be close enough. The two clubs will act like gentlemen, look in each other in the eye, shake on the deal - a good firm shake, not one of those shakes where you feel like you are shaking hands with a scarf - and before you know it, Di María will be standing in front of the Eiffel Tower holding a jersey and smiling awkwardly. He won't be the only one leaving Manchester. Robin van Persie is on his way to Hotel Do One and Valencia want Juan Mata but everybody knows there is about as much chance of that happening as there is of the Mill being crowned king of the Federated States of Micronesia.

That sound you can hear? It is of a door closing in Spain, as Real Madridsteadfastly refuse to let Gareth Bale out of it this coming summer. Real Madrid's chief suit, Florentino Pérez, has been jiving with the Spanish press and jokedreckons that Bale is the third best player in the world behind Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo and he, Pérez that is, would have to be madder than a yak in heat to sell the Welshman. "We shall never listen to any offers for Bale," he trumpeted. "He is the key to the club's future, just as I cannot imagine a future without Cristiano Ronaldo." There you have it folks. Straight from the horse's mouth and all that. Speaking of Real Madrid, apparently David de Gea has told them to get the room next to Van Persie in Hotel Do One and so now, after fighting off the tears, Real are pretending they were never interested in him in the first place and that their heart always belonged to Bayer Leverkusen's Bernd Leno.

Finally, Aston Villa's Jores Okore is off to Internazionale. No, the Mill had never heard of him either.