Things that are important on the internet and how to spot them
It's part of my job! Unfortunately, it's not this easy for everyone, so this week I thought I'd elucidate and maybe even give away a few trade secrets, with a guide to Things That Are Important And How To Spot Them. The most important thing in the world is The News. People who ask questions like: "Who controls the news agenda?", "How much say do we have in the process?" or "What happens to a story once it's no longer considered newsworthy?" are just whining because they're stupid. To stay on top of everything, start with the biggest headline (you're looking for upwards of 14pt here, guys) and work your way down the text by size. It's not hard, the Guardian reports. On the internet, Things That Are Important are also Things That Are Capitalised OR THINGS THAT SHOUT AT YOU. Things that shout at you in all caps are both urgent and important. You should deal with them first. Things That Are Capitalised are clever-people fact-talk that you need to half-commit to memory and repeat later, or share on social media when you're about 40% of the way through reading. A note on photographs: these can go either way. If you want to appear important, ease up on the lolcats and make sure your social media feed includes as many harrowing photographs of recent disasters and atrocities as possible (it's better to post these at random to indicate that you are caring and informed, rather than worrying too much about the specific origin or context of the individual pictures). When trying to locate important things in the workplace, look for onerous tasks, stressful, open-ended commitments and individuals you'd rather avoid. Or simply identify who or what makes your colleagues most anxious. Things That Are Important on television will be easy to spot. They will be talked about in a wry, journalistic tone by a middle-aged white man wearing a half-smile and a tie. The kind of guy you might (at first glance) mistake for one of the straights. His slightly ruffled, 2am newsroom demeanour imbues him with an irascible brand of gravitas, but you can also imagine him kicking back with a The The album and a big glass of Sancerre post-broadcast. Keep an ear out for what this chap has to say, it's probably important. When it comes to arts and culture, bear in mind that there is no difference between information and understanding. People who believe the two things to be discrete and interdependent are IDIOTS (NB capitalised for importance). Tone is also key. Things that are sad are important. Art is not, unless it is sad in which case it might be, a bit. Leisure activities can be important, though your typical women's stuff rarely is. Ladies, remember: if you want to spend your time talking or - God forbid - reading about lipstick and dresses, make sure you balance it out by committing to a really tiring article about fibroids straight afterwards. Otherwise your brain will get flabby (we don't want a nasty fat brain, do we girls?). Man things like cars, sport and watches are important because they are key drivers of industry, technology or because they provide a revealing social litmus for our times. Anyone who says lady hobbies do, too, is stupid and also hilarious. Why not enjoy a good laugh at them before pointing this out? Lastly and most importantly of all, remember: spotting the important stuff is easy, provided you don't overthink it or anything else.
